Growing Around Grief: The Tonkin Grief Model, Explained
But what happens when time passes and the grief hasn't shrunk at all?
The idea that grief follows a neat timeline is one of the most widespread myths about loss. It suggests that sadness gradually decreases until one day you wake up and the loss no longer hurts. For many people, this simply isn't true. The grief stays. Life changes around it.
That's where the Tonkin grief model comes in. It offers a different way of thinking about loss, one that doesn't require you to "get over it" at all.
What is the Tonkin grief model?
The tonkin grief model was developed by Lois Tonkin, a grief counsellor from New Zealand, in 1996. She noticed something her clients kept describing. They would say their grief hadn't become smaller. Instead, their lives had grown bigger around it.
Tonkin used a simple visual idea to explain this. Imagine grief as a circle. Most people assume that as time passes, the grief circle shrinks. It becomes a smaller part of your life until eventually it barely registers.
Tonkin's insight was different. The circle of grief stays roughly the same size. What changes is the circle of your life around it. You rebuild relationships. You return to work. You find new routines. You create space for other experiences. The grief remains, but it no longer fills everything.
This model is often called "growing around grief." It recognises that loss doesn't disappear. You simply learn to live a fuller life alongside it.
The concept became widely known after Lois Tonkin shared it in her work with bereaved families. It has since been embraced by counsellors, support groups, and people navigating loss themselves. The model doesn't prescribe stages or timelines. It simply describes what many people already feel but struggle to articulate.
The Tonkin model acknowledges that grief is not something you move past. It's something you carry. And over time, you build a life that can hold both the grief and everything else.
The idea that changes everything: you grow around grief, you don't grow out of it
The shift in perspective that the tonkin grief model offers is profound. It removes the pressure to "get better" on someone else's schedule. It stops treating grief like an illness that needs curing.
Many people describe feeling guilty when their grief doesn't diminish. They worry they're doing something wrong. They compare themselves to others who seem to have moved on faster. They wonder if they're stuck.
The Tonkin model reframes all of that. It says: your grief hasn't gone away because it isn't supposed to. The person you lost mattered. The relationship was real. Of course the absence is still felt.
What changes isn't the size of that absence. It's the size of your life. You find ways to engage with the world again. You reconnect with people. You take on new projects. You allow moments of joy without feeling disloyal.
This doesn't mean the grief is ignored. It means you've learned to hold both things at once. The loss and the life. The sadness and the small pleasures. The memory and the present moment.
Growing around grief doesn't mean you're healed. It means you're living. And for many people, that distinction is everything.
Where the "get over it" timeline comes from, and why it persists
The expectation that grief should follow a predictable timeline has deep roots. Part of it comes from older grief theories that described stages or phases. These models suggested that grief moves through distinct steps, each one bringing you closer to resolution.
The most famous example is Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Originally, these stages were never meant to describe grief after losing a loved one. They described the experience of terminally ill patients facing their own deaths. Over time, the model was misapplied to bereavement.
The timeline myth also reflects a cultural discomfort with sadness. Western societies often prioritise productivity and moving forward. Prolonged grief can be seen as a failure to adapt. Friends and family may offer well-meaning advice: "It's been six months, surely you should be feeling better by now?"
These comments aren't usually cruel. They come from a desire to see the person they care about return to "normal." But they reinforce the idea that grief has an expiration date.
The timeline myth persists because it's simpler. It offers a sense of control. If grief follows a set pattern, then there's a clear path through it. You just have to wait it out.
But grief doesn't work that way. It's not linear. It doesn't tick boxes. And models like Tonkin's growing around grief concept recognise that. They make space for the reality that loss changes you permanently. You don't return to who you were before. You become someone who has lived through this.
Understanding where the "get over it" mentality comes from helps you resist it. It gives you permission to ignore the timeline and honour your own experience instead.
The Tonkin model vs other models of grief
The Tonkin grief model isn't the only way people have tried to understand loss. Over the decades, several grief models have been developed. Each offers a different lens. Comparing them helps clarify what makes growing around grief unique.
The grief curve (the five stages, arranged as a curve)
The five stages of grief, often displayed as a curve, suggest that people move through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance in sequence. The curve implies that emotional intensity peaks and then declines over time.
This model has been widely criticised. Many people don't experience all five stages. Some cycle through stages repeatedly. Others feel multiple emotions at once.
The Tonkin model differs because it doesn't assume progression through stages. It doesn't suggest that acceptance is the end goal. Instead, it acknowledges that grief remains present. You don't reach a final stage where the loss no longer affects you. You simply find ways to live alongside it.
The whirlpool of grief
The whirlpool model, developed by bereavement counsellors, describes grief as a spiral. Early on, you're in the centre of the whirlpool, pulled under by intense waves. Over time, you move toward the edges. The waves still come, but they're less frequent and less overwhelming.
This model captures the unpredictable nature of grief better than a linear curve. It recognises that difficult moments can resurface even years later.
Where the tonkin grief model differs is in its emphasis on growth. The whirlpool focuses on the intensity of grief lessening. Tonkin's model focuses on life expanding. Both can be true, but the framing matters. One centres the grief. The other centres the life being rebuilt.
The circle of grief and dual-process thinking
Some counsellors use the "circle of grief" concept, which overlaps with Tonkin's work. This idea suggests that people oscillate between grieving and living. You move between loss-oriented coping (focusing on the person who died) and restoration-oriented coping (rebuilding daily life).
This dual-process model recognises that grief isn't one continuous state. You don't grieve every moment of every day. You shift between mourning and functioning.
The Tonkin model complements this. It provides a visual way to understand how those two processes coexist. The grief circle stays constant. The life circle grows. You're always carrying both.
What makes the tonkin grief model particularly resonant is its simplicity. It doesn't require understanding psychological theory. It's an image almost anyone can grasp immediately. And it offers reassurance: you're not failing at grief. You're growing around it, just as you should be.
What growing around grief looks like day to day
You know the one. The key in the lock. The house that sounds different now. The evening that stretches in a way it never used to.
Everyone showed up at first. The calls, the casseroles, the company. Then, gradually, life went back to normal for everyone else. Just not for you.
It's not just missing them. It's the bin that needs putting out. Dinner for one. A hundred small decisions you never used to make alone. The evenings that used to take care of themselves.
The people around you want to help. They just don't know how to help with Tuesday at seven o'clock.
Growing around grief, in practical terms, means learning to navigate those Tuesdays. It means finding routines that work when the old ones don't. It means allowing yourself to feel the absence and still make dinner.
Some people describe it as making space for both things. You might laugh at something and then feel guilty. You might enjoy a meal out and then cry on the way home. Both responses are part of the same experience. You're not betraying the loss by living. You're honouring it by continuing.
Growing around grief also means recognising that some things will always be hard. Anniversaries. Birthdays. The song that comes on the radio. These moments don't disappear because your life has grown. They're reminders that the grief is still there, unchanged in size, just as Lois Tonkin described.
Day to day, it might look like going back to work but keeping a photo on your desk. It might mean joining a new group but talking openly about your loss when it comes up. It might mean dating again but knowing the past relationship still matters.
The tonkin model of grief doesn't prescribe what growth should look like. It simply acknowledges that life can expand even when grief remains constant. And that's enough.
How to support someone who is growing around grief
Someone you care about is grieving, you might feel uncertain about how to help. The Tonkin grief model offers a useful framework. It reminds you that your role isn't to make the grief go away. It's to help the person build a life around it.
First, abandon the timeline. Don't expect them to "move on" after a certain period. Don't suggest they should be feeling better by now. Grief doesn't follow a schedule, and your expectations won't speed it up.
Instead, acknowledge that the loss is permanent. You can say things like, "I know this won't stop hurting," or "I'm here for as long as you need." These statements remove pressure. They give permission to grieve without a deadline.
Second, show up for the ordinary moments. People often receive support immediately after a loss. Meals are delivered. Phone calls are made. But a few months later, the support fades. That's when loneliness sets in.
The person grieving still needs company. They need someone to sit with them on a Tuesday evening. They need help with the bin. They need an invitation to something normal, even if they decline.
Third, don't avoid mentioning the person who died. Many people worry that bringing up the loss will upset the bereaved person. Usually, the opposite is true. They want to talk about the person they've lost. They want to hear stories. They want the relationship remembered.
Saying the person's name, sharing a memory, or asking how they're coping all signal that the loss matters. It helps the grieving person feel less alone.
Fourth, encourage activities without pressuring them. Growing around grief means re-engaging with life. But the person needs to do this at their own pace. You can suggest a walk, a meal out, or a weekend trip. If they say no, accept it. If they say yes, don't expect them to be "back to normal."
Fifth, be patient with contradictions. Someone grieving might seem fine one day and devastated the next. They might enjoy an event and then feel guilty about it. These fluctuations are normal. They don't mean the person is unstable. They mean they're learning to hold grief and life at the same time.
Finally, if you're supporting a parent who is grieving, remember that your relationship with them has changed too. You might need to take on responsibilities you didn't before. You might need to check in more often. You might need to accept that they won't be able to offer you the same support they once did.
That doesn't mean the relationship is damaged. It means it's adapting. Just like the person grieving, you're learning to grow around the loss too.
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The Tonkin grief model offers something simple but transformative. It replaces the pressure to "get over" loss with permission to live alongside it. It acknowledges that grief doesn't shrink. Life grows.
This shift in perspective matters. It stops you from measuring your grief against an imaginary timeline. It allows you to honour the loss without letting it define everything. It recognises that rebuilding a life doesn't mean forgetting the person you lost.
Growing around grief isn't about being healed. It's about being whole in a new way. And that's a process that unfolds at its own pace, in its own time, for as long as it needs to.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the Tonkin grief model?
The Tonkin grief model, developed by Lois Tonkin in 1996, explains that grief doesn't shrink over time. Instead, your life grows around the grief. The loss remains a constant presence, but you rebuild relationships, routines, and experiences that expand your capacity to hold both the grief and a fuller life. This model is often called "growing around grief."
Who created the growing around grief model?
Lois Tonkin, a grief counsellor from New Zealand, created the growing around grief model in 1996. She observed that her clients consistently described their grief as staying the same size while their lives expanded around it. Tonkin used the imagery of two circles to illustrate this concept, making it one of the most accessible and widely recognised grief models.
Is the Tonkin model the same as the five stages of grief?
No, the Tonkin model is fundamentally different from the five stages of grief. The five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) suggest a linear progression toward resolution. The Tonkin model rejects this timeline. It states that grief doesn't move through stages or diminish over time. Instead, life grows around the unchanged grief, allowing both loss and living to coexist permanently.